Habit change day counter: 0

Habit change day 2

I must admit something today.For about 6 years I had a bad habit.It is very embarassing for me.I never told this to anybody and no one ever found out.A few days ago,after fighting my habit and giving in to it I decided to do something.If I dont stop now,I will never stop.It feels good afterwards but then the guilt arises because I lost self control.I know that I dont need it,it's simply a stimuly that found its way into my head but I remove it.I cant tell this to anyone,so I am on my own.That's a big challenge,but if I can do it,I made a huge improvement.Today I make a promise.I promise to change my habit into another more constructive one and become a happier and healthier person.

You are not responsible for how others feel about you

Elementary School

If you were to ask me 'what was the worst time of your life?' I would respond with 'My childhood'.I am always cofused why people want to return to their childhood.Although I had also good times,when thinking about my childhood these thoughts come to my mind : isolation,fights at home,homework with lots of tears,pressure.I remembered this because of the daily drama were are having at home.Whenever my 5 years old sister is doinp her homework,you hear screaming,yelling and punches.Day in and day out.The teaching methods of my mother are the same she used to teach me back then.It was similiar to training an animal''misbehaviour gets punished,good behavior is rewarded'' .Misbehaviour equalled answering questions uncorrectly and learning slow.Good behaviour was doing everything right and fast.That is where I developed my hate and fear for school.I must admit,their programming was strong even years later I was afraid of going home with bad grades.In fact today is the first time that I was able to surpass my programming to some extend.It's just funny and sad.The first few years of our lives are the most important.The programming one receives their determines the rest of ones whole life.You know,my parents often complain how lazy,slow or stupid I am in comparison to other people and after studying human behavior I realized: I turned exactly out how they 'wanted' me to be! I developed according to their programming.For example,they would constantly give me anti social suggestions such as : Dont  talk to stranges,dont trust anybody,everyone is your enemy,there are no friends,no girl wants you,sex is a sin,dont you dare to get intamite with a girl.That was my programming and what have I become?An insecure anti social.They are of course not to blame,they just passed on their own programming.But the story doesnt end here.Of course,I was different than my siblings.I always noticed that life had more to offer,I saw the other people,the ones who had everything,who were living beautiful lives.Below the layers of my programming I could always hear something: Dont take the world as it is.I never understood it,but i never accepted this world and so years passed and one day I found a few books.They talked a lot about social conditioning ,subconscious mind,suggestions and all of the sudden it made all perfect sense.My stubbornness paid and now I am finally overcoming my programming and a brighter life is now possible!This is a special year because it changed everything and soon,my new progamming will be completed!I will be an example of the mental frontier that the reshapes human condition

Today I failed

enough with this.Its time to put an end to this

flash

i had a realization,it hit me like the flash but it makes so much sense now.I was fast.I was too fast.How many people did I approached back then?Hundreds,I rushed from one to the next getting phone nummbers and the likes.What a short term satisfaction.I was fast but the others werent fast enough for me.They seemed so slow to me.As soon as I felt they couldnt keep up with me,I was gone to the next,and then the next and the next...always rushing trying to reach something.And this drive to meet people,actually made me rush past them.So ironic.I never actuallu got to know people.I was there before you know it and I was gone before you see me.Can you imagine anything so lonely?And i know they really liked me buy I never sticked around.Time kept moving on and I wanted to keep up.A pointless race,the clock in my head fooled me.And so I ended up surrounded by hundreds of people but It was like standing alone in a big crowd.I was impatient and so I missed life.I ran past it trying to catch it.The lesson is simple and clear now.Slow dowm,enjoy the present moment and get deeper into it.Stop being fast,slow down to the pace of others and actually get to know them.Tons of friends are gone now and my calender filled with empty days.Today however is not the end.It is the beginning...15x4=60

15 x 4 = 60

Masterkey

I found something,something hidden inside of a 60 years old book and inside of a 100 years old book.This could change everything,religion,science,EVERYTHING.A secret was shown to me.I'm exploring it right now and the pieces of the puzzle begin to form an image.Soon,soon I change my world forever.The ultimate secret,the only truth,the masterkey to the perfect life...I must keep it a secret.The world is not ready for it yet...but I am.This world is mine.

The power of the dreamer lies in his ability to dream.REAL dreaming needs to be learned.

Forward

The past few days my mind was working like crazy to solve the colllege issue.I think this is the biggest issue I had in long time.A big obstacle on my path to my
dream.Ive been going through countless scenarios,I even considered studying things that are not me at all and yet there seems to be always a downside.How am I to turn this around?There must be a way.Without college my dream of the perfect life crumbles.I have to get in,I will get in,I WILL find a way.The dream is meant to be lived.

If I am the problem, than I am also the solution.

So sad,I spent all day worrying and now the day is soon gone...it's over yet.I do now what I should have done before.

Being so much slower than the 'others' freaks me out.There must be a way to speed this up

End of the line man.

College

I think right now getting into a college is the biggest problem I had in long time.It really gives me a headache.What do I do?This problem has been bothering me this whole year and I still hqvent believed that! Damn.The best part,I was the one who created this problem.It was my own procrastination,my own laziness and undeceiciveness that got me down here.Its so funny.I sabotaged myself without even knowning.Being like this really makes me angry.My own stupidity delays everyting.Here Iwas thinking I was doing everything correctly but look,I had no clue.And now I‘m stuck.I must get this handelded,I  cant let all my work be crushed because of this college thing.I must move on,I was standing by for way too long.I correct to this,I find way.You know,I'm really upset because or myself.How could I be so passive and undeceicive for such a long time?
I must change myself,this cant go on.