Shattered dream

Did you ever had a dream?A dream you thought of almost everday?A dream you really worked on and yet,it shattered right in front of you?I had such dream.My dream was to have friends,friends who love me and who I could love.Friends who I go out with every week and doing things like going to the cinema,playing together,going to festivals,parties..lots of friends,my own circle
.After two of trying to make this happen,all i could achieue was going out perhaps once or twice a month?It was frustrating to see how others were so popular while I couldnt make it.After all my work I realized that keeping on had no point.So i gave up one year ago.That's when I began my self development program,project new life.I studied myself,others,the world and all of a sudden it made sense.Failure was the natural result of my actions.I played a game I never understood and so kept on loosing.What drove me was the feeling of emptyness,not admiration and so I got only more of what I didnt want.I  began to pick up the shards of my dream and then I put them back together.Now..I have a chance of realizing my dream.I learned,I improved and now I know more than ever.The friends and the joy that comes with them are now withhin reach.Now it's time to act,time to build my own social circle,person by person my life gets new dimension
and finally,I can connect our hearts.
Dear friends I haven't met yet,I'm looking forward to approach you,to learn your names,to get to know you,to spend time with you,to help you,to love you.

Failure 1

Today I lost self control and engaged my habit again.Too bad,it was running so good but now I have to start over again.Must not give up.Usually i would get angry but I learned from my habit busting book that this is part of the process.Overcoming myself,that will be the testament on how far I have come.I defeat this habit by the end of this year,I promise.This proves that I am a boywonder! I will post every week from now on,describing my process.As for today I have to keep my self control.

Habit change day counter: 0

Habit change day 2

I must admit something today.For about 6 years I had a bad habit.It is very embarassing for me.I never told this to anybody and no one ever found out.A few days ago,after fighting my habit and giving in to it I decided to do something.If I dont stop now,I will never stop.It feels good afterwards but then the guilt arises because I lost self control.I know that I dont need it,it's simply a stimuly that found its way into my head but I remove it.I cant tell this to anyone,so I am on my own.That's a big challenge,but if I can do it,I made a huge improvement.Today I make a promise.I promise to change my habit into another more constructive one and become a happier and healthier person.

You are not responsible for how others feel about you

Elementary School

If you were to ask me 'what was the worst time of your life?' I would respond with 'My childhood'.I am always cofused why people want to return to their childhood.Although I had also good times,when thinking about my childhood these thoughts come to my mind : isolation,fights at home,homework with lots of tears,pressure.I remembered this because of the daily drama were are having at home.Whenever my 5 years old sister is doinp her homework,you hear screaming,yelling and punches.Day in and day out.The teaching methods of my mother are the same she used to teach me back then.It was similiar to training an animal''misbehaviour gets punished,good behavior is rewarded'' .Misbehaviour equalled answering questions uncorrectly and learning slow.Good behaviour was doing everything right and fast.That is where I developed my hate and fear for school.I must admit,their programming was strong even years later I was afraid of going home with bad grades.In fact today is the first time that I was able to surpass my programming to some extend.It's just funny and sad.The first few years of our lives are the most important.The programming one receives their determines the rest of ones whole life.You know,my parents often complain how lazy,slow or stupid I am in comparison to other people and after studying human behavior I realized: I turned exactly out how they 'wanted' me to be! I developed according to their programming.For example,they would constantly give me anti social suggestions such as : Dont  talk to stranges,dont trust anybody,everyone is your enemy,there are no friends,no girl wants you,sex is a sin,dont you dare to get intamite with a girl.That was my programming and what have I become?An insecure anti social.They are of course not to blame,they just passed on their own programming.But the story doesnt end here.Of course,I was different than my siblings.I always noticed that life had more to offer,I saw the other people,the ones who had everything,who were living beautiful lives.Below the layers of my programming I could always hear something: Dont take the world as it is.I never understood it,but i never accepted this world and so years passed and one day I found a few books.They talked a lot about social conditioning ,subconscious mind,suggestions and all of the sudden it made all perfect sense.My stubbornness paid and now I am finally overcoming my programming and a brighter life is now possible!This is a special year because it changed everything and soon,my new progamming will be completed!I will be an example of the mental frontier that the reshapes human condition

Today I failed

enough with this.Its time to put an end to this

flash

i had a realization,it hit me like the flash but it makes so much sense now.I was fast.I was too fast.How many people did I approached back then?Hundreds,I rushed from one to the next getting phone nummbers and the likes.What a short term satisfaction.I was fast but the others werent fast enough for me.They seemed so slow to me.As soon as I felt they couldnt keep up with me,I was gone to the next,and then the next and the next...always rushing trying to reach something.And this drive to meet people,actually made me rush past them.So ironic.I never actuallu got to know people.I was there before you know it and I was gone before you see me.Can you imagine anything so lonely?And i know they really liked me buy I never sticked around.Time kept moving on and I wanted to keep up.A pointless race,the clock in my head fooled me.And so I ended up surrounded by hundreds of people but It was like standing alone in a big crowd.I was impatient and so I missed life.I ran past it trying to catch it.The lesson is simple and clear now.Slow dowm,enjoy the present moment and get deeper into it.Stop being fast,slow down to the pace of others and actually get to know them.Tons of friends are gone now and my calender filled with empty days.Today however is not the end.It is the beginning...15x4=60

15 x 4 = 60

Masterkey

I found something,something hidden inside of a 60 years old book and inside of a 100 years old book.This could change everything,religion,science,EVERYTHING.A secret was shown to me.I'm exploring it right now and the pieces of the puzzle begin to form an image.Soon,soon I change my world forever.The ultimate secret,the only truth,the masterkey to the perfect life...I must keep it a secret.The world is not ready for it yet...but I am.This world is mine.

The power of the dreamer lies in his ability to dream.REAL dreaming needs to be learned.

Forward

The past few days my mind was working like crazy to solve the colllege issue.I think this is the biggest issue I had in long time.A big obstacle on my path to my
dream.Ive been going through countless scenarios,I even considered studying things that are not me at all and yet there seems to be always a downside.How am I to turn this around?There must be a way.Without college my dream of the perfect life crumbles.I have to get in,I will get in,I WILL find a way.The dream is meant to be lived.

If I am the problem, than I am also the solution.

So sad,I spent all day worrying and now the day is soon gone...it's over yet.I do now what I should have done before.

Being so much slower than the 'others' freaks me out.There must be a way to speed this up

End of the line man.

College

I think right now getting into a college is the biggest problem I had in long time.It really gives me a headache.What do I do?This problem has been bothering me this whole year and I still hqvent believed that! Damn.The best part,I was the one who created this problem.It was my own procrastination,my own laziness and undeceiciveness that got me down here.Its so funny.I sabotaged myself without even knowning.Being like this really makes me angry.My own stupidity delays everyting.Here Iwas thinking I was doing everything correctly but look,I had no clue.And now I‘m stuck.I must get this handelded,I  cant let all my work be crushed because of this college thing.I must move on,I was standing by for way too long.I correct to this,I find way.You know,I'm really upset because or myself.How could I be so passive and undeceicive for such a long time?
I must change myself,this cant go on.

Restless

Its been quite a while since I posted something.Lately I have felt the need to tall to someone but since there is no one around I thougt I write down what I need to say.Ive been doing my secret self improvement program for almost a year,man, almost a WHOLE year isolated from social life,the media and the world training to become the best version of me.Cant believe I hold out that long.And yet,I dont feel its enough.I feel restless.I feel as if I have to do more and more but how much is enough?Perhapd I have become impatient,perhapd everything is fine and my mind is just screwing with me.You know what is reallu strange though? I have contact only with 3 people,my very best friends or at least what is left of them and for some reason I dont understand,I sometimes think it would be better ifI completely disconnect from them.Strange huh?What kinda friend am I?I dont know,but i constantly feel the need to prove myself.I feel like Im not worthy and to prove myself I have to go through some kinda training (what Im actually doing) and become the heroic,perfect me and then I would offer value to them without taking value from them.But this doesnt seem right.My mind is playing with me,I shouldnt take it all that serious.Well time to get back to my program,after all I do want to become the best me,l.

the day of the dreamer has come

22:22

Master key

Since I cannot progress today as much I wanted to,I thought I just add another entry to this journal.I have a dream,a dream of a world of thought and emotion.In this world,life doesnt just happen.Accidents and luck does not exist.In this world,life is responding to me.Everything is my creation.There I create the ideal environment,the ideal home,the ideal friends.In this world life is but an open book and what ever I write in there will manifest.This world may sound like a fantasy but it is there.It does exist.However a big,invisble door is in front of it.To open this door and begin a new life I have to understand the power.The power of creation.With this power I can form the master key and open the door.

this world is but an illusion.Dont take it as it is

Love is tough concept.It's much more than I ever thought.All of the sudden...I feel like I rarely ever loved honestly.

School's out

Yesterday was my graduation and I must admit it was kimd of weird.Everything was okay until I got my certification.The grade's were all fine that wasn't the problem but I felt like I didnt really graduate at all! Everyone kept talking about the beginning of their new lifes but I felt like that didnt apply to me.I disappeared yesterday like the phantom I am.Just when nobody was watching I left.At first I was very confused and didn't know why I just without saying good bye to everybody,it happened almost automatically.Then later,I had an idea why.I believe it was because I am in a different reality than they are.Look at me,the next day after my "graduation" I woke up at 6 a.m and started going through my courses.It makes sense.My graduation isnt over yet.My true lesson is still waiting ahead.

Thank you for this new beautiful day

What I do must stay a secret.I must cover it with lies
and stories.The truth must be hidden.When the project hascbeen completed,it has to appear as nothing major ever happened.The results will be big and magnificent but the cause for them have to stay hidden.In the end you were right,I have to learn how to be a better liar if I want the truth to stay hidden.
Its better this way,because people distract.I dont want to deal with opinions or arguments.All that I want it to learn and make progress at my own pace and with my own will.Before I can be bold and dominant I want to surround myself fully with that what gives me these qualities and stay hidden.So remember: the mouth stays closed.

I must develop to character traits: Love and Gratitude

Prove

Alright it is finally here.My experiment has been a success.At first I wasnt sure if that power really exists but now I know it for sure.Today I transmuted desire 2 into its physical equivelant.I turned  an image into a reality and it feels so good.Holding it in my hand,everything I read and studied finally showed outstanding results.The power is mine and from here on I will  cultivate it even more!All my phantasies are but thought away from me,today is mine!

Today is the best day ever!

I must be more disceplined.No one's here but me,so the success of this operation depends entirely on me.

Money

The previous weeks I realized how beautiful money is.It is much more than just money.Money is freedom,independence,possibility.Money is good,for all good things it can do.In our society,money seems to have a superficial value often times.We use words  such "capitalism" and critizise rich people but in reality,the desire to be rich is the one of the most noble desires.Without money,we can never fully express ourself.I have seen it myself.The joy and freedom it can bring and the tools to create art.From this day on, I make it my objective to increase my income.I want to travel and see friends far away and buy tools  to express myself.Money is a good thing to have for the good things it can do.Freedom,independence and possibility.The desire for money is the desire of life seeking expression.

Creator

Who is the creator?Most of us think that "God" created the world and rules all of us.Many of us keep waiting that god saves them and grants all their wishes.I always hated this idea.Why do I bring this up today?My dad wanted me to join his religion this morning,but I just laughed at him and refused.I know  the truth.That what really creates world.There is no god.Its just a lie social conditooning brought upon us.Its nobodys fault though.Thats just what most social conditioning does with us,deceives us.I found the truth,the key to life,hidden in a 100 years old book.This book changed me forever.It freed me.The truth is...WE  are the creator.WE have the creative power and desogn our world how we want it to be.Sounds not reslistic does it?Soon I will show the world what I can do with this "new" power.I will not bow to a lie social conditioning made up because I am the creator of my world!Now I learn how to wield this power and with It can soar into the skies and fly past all limits !

Random idea

Today I had a random but interesting idea.Ive been always a fan of those youtube film teams like teambay,wongfu production etc.After being inspired by them I started studying film editing,photography and animation.Ive been thinking about what to do with this knowledge and today I had a great idea.Along project fantom,I will start another project.I want to create short movies and the likes next to my music, but unlike teambay for example,my videos wont have much to with me.Instead of forming a film team,I will be a free lancer.I will service to other people.They come to me with their talents and ideas and I will lend them my creative power.I will record,edit and more.Together we create beautiful videos.By doing this I get to work with many people and create different projects without any strings attached.That will be a lot of fun!

Two

I want to see you two.I wish you were closer to me.I want to hug you both,hear you talk,laugh and see your pretty faces.Why cany you two be here?It would be so great if we could see each other every day.Just imagine it!We would have the best time ever.I will stay with the two of you.We stay together.Thank you for helping me through hard times.I will give you just as much as you gave.We may be physically apart but our hearts are connected.I am a part of you two and you two are a part of me.Remember no matter what happens,I will always love you two.

Do not waste one moment in regret,for to think feelingly of the mistakes of the past is to re-infect yourself

Live today and only today

Value

During my training I studied social dynamics, being human I guess I just wanted to be able to make friends.I learned a lot about human nature and how to wield social power.Thinking back,I broke so many rules of handling people,I have really no idea how could walk through life so blind and ignorant.No wonder I was such a social failure.What a fool I was.But eventually  I learned my lesson.I understand now why I hard such a hard time back in the day.How could I expect to have friends when I was nothing but a needy value taker?I hardly gave love,so I hardly got it back.When I start over,I will be value offering.I will give to people and never put myself before others.Remember: the hungry doesnt get fed.

Disgrace

You know what really makes me tick?What really drives me nuts?Nothing that happens in the outside world.What really makes me mad,is how I react to unpleasant events.Often times I find myself reacting just like my old self.I hate that.I spend 6 months to practice self control and self mastery and what do I do?I get mad only because I might loose my job.So stupid.Its just so stupid!I got angry?Me?Im not supposed to feel such emotion!Its as if I was ignoring all the glorious lessons from my teachers.They said it over and over again.This emotion has no use.It is the result of me, resisting the flow.I just should have accept it and forgot about it in 5 minutes.Thats how they taught.Accept what cannot be changed.Dont cry over spillled milk.But no,I resist.Live is too short to feel angry even for one minute.I should act like a man and not like a little boy.Im sorry my teachers,I will stop resisting and complaining.I have no right to.

What you cant left behind

I have been thinking lately about the people I left behind 6 months ago. As I‘m writing this I‘m looking at the two straps attached to my phone.Both of them are specials.Both are the blue version of another pink counterpart.One of those counterparts is in posession of one of the people I left behind.I wonder if she is alright.I also wonder if she forgot about me.Back then I was just too weak.I hated myself too much to look into the eyes of my former friends, so I ran away.Leaving everybody behind just to run away from myself.To my surprise, I found out that there are people who actually...miss me.I was shocked , when I ran away back then,I was so convinced that I was unloved and unwanted and that nobody would care about me.I was wrong.I had friends.I was loved.But I was too blind to see it and pushed them away.I would like to return to them but I cant.I‘ve gone too far,trained too much,gave up too much to stop now.I have to finish this.I ran away as a weakling,but I will come back as a hero and then I can be a true friend.For the friends I had,the friends I have and the friends I havent met yet.I want to be the best me.

End.of the day

Today ends the first day of my new self developent program.After carefully watching my every move, I found out that although I was already working on myself for half a year,I still have many negative character traits. I found that I have 18 bad habits.18! There is a lot of work that I have to mh?The next 18 weeks I will battle each of my bad habits and stomp them into the ground.Call me a self developement junkie.

I became so spoiled that I forgot to appriciate the things around me.I have to cultivate gratitude.

No matter how far we are apart, our bond cannot be cut

today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday

End of the year

I have been struggeling lately about the lenght of my training.When is the right time to end it?I have been thinking about that for a long time.When have I learned enough?When has my character developed enough?When is my training complete?There is no one who can tell me that,so I have to decide for the right date myself.It will end where it began.The end of the last year was the end of my old life,so this year's end will be the beginning of my new life.I have about 6 months left.I will give everything I got, every day until I am the person I always wanted to be.

Yesterday is but a dream,tommorow is just a vision.But every today well lived is a yesterday of happyness and a tomorrow of hope